The smoke circled above my head as I paced back and forth on the top of my apartment building. I knew that my boss was going to be furious that I had left the restaurant unattended to take a smoke break, but I didn't care.
Tonight, we were short-handed. Meg, the night shift waitress, had stumbled coming into work yesterday and was now attempting to bring diners their food while on crutches. I scoffed.
"They might not get fed, but I'm sure they will leave her a huge tip," I thought disgusted.
I was at the end of my rope. Nothing seemed to be working out for me these days. I thought about the days that I was filled with plenty of hopes and dreams that actually seemed achievable. Those days were long gone. Now, I was a dishwasher at a half-bit restaurant that sold crappy food. I hated my life.
I lit another cigarette with shaky hands and continued to pace. I had been thinking about this night for a week with excitement. But, now that I was here, I couldn't bring myself to do what needed to be done. I walked to the edge of the roof and peered down below me. The lights of the restaurant shone brightly on the bottom floor. There were five levels between me and those lights, but I hoped that I would quickly be closer.
I placed one foot over the edge of the building, contemplating what I needed to do. Nothing was left for me in this world, so why was this so difficult. Quickly, I pulled my foot back again and continued pacing. I told myself that it didn't matter. That no one would remember me after I made the jump. I pictured the police scraping my body off the sidewalk and throwing it into the dumpster.
That's what my life had resorted to. Feeling as though I was trash, not even worthy of a proper burial. Determined, I threw the cigarette into the pile of the others that had already begun to accumulate since I came to the roof and marched to the edge of the roof. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I imagined the air rushing past my face as I fell and bent my knees to jump.
Suddenly, a voice stopped me in my tracks. Although it only uttered one word, I recognized the voice immediately.
"Stop," the voice said.
I paused but didn't turn toward the voice at first.
"Wait," the voice said.
Slowly, I stepped back from the edge and opened my eyes. The familiar voice continued to plead with me to not jump as I turned toward the sound. When I finally did allow my eyes to take in the source of the sound, tears immediately came to my eyes.
My mother had died 10 years before I had reached this point in my life. I had been at her funeral, had watched her casket being lowered into that dark hole, where it would forever stay, but still, she stood in front of me.
I allowed the tears to flow down my cheeks as I approached my mother. Before I could get too close, she took a step backward.
"No," she whispered.
I fell to my knees and began sobbing uncontrollably.
"I miss you," I said, realizing for the first time how much I truly needed her.
"I know," she said.
"My life is a disaster," I cried.
My mother shook her head.
"No," she said. "People love you."
I shook my head, "I have done nothing with my life."
I watched as my mother got down on her knees and looked me in the eyes.
"It's never too late," she whispered. With that, she disappeared before my eyes.
For several moments, I sat on that roof, wondering if jumping was still the best option. Finally, I decided that my mother was right. I climbed the stairs slowly to the ground floor and went back into the restaurant.
Immediately, I heard yelling from Meg, who was now hobbling around the kitchen with one crutch.
"Where have you been?" she screamed at me. "We've been handling the entire restaurant by ourselves."
I threw my apron on the floor and announced that I was quitting. Meg continued to protest, but I was not interested in hearing her voice. I now had a new mission in life. One that would take me to the top, where I belonged.
As I exited the restaurant, I could hear Meg continue to yell as she chased me slowly on her crutches. I took a deep breath and put my hands on my hips, reveling in the world that was now in front of me. Without looking, I stepped into the crosswalk to start my new life. Unfortunately, a bus driver had failed to notice the light change and couldn't stop in time. I never even saw his headlights.Â